Return to HUMOR
(Copied from somewhere on the net.    Maybe Memphis?)

1. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Syosset or Albany.
Hard times in Maine or North Dakota are just a depression.
Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues. 

2. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."

3. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something ugly or nasty in the next line.

I got a good woman-- with the ugliest dog in town.

4. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.

Got a good woman with the ugliest dog in town. (repeat)
It got big yellow teeth and weighs 'bout 500 pounds.

5. The blues are not about limitless choice.

6. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs.
Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. 
Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

7. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

8. The following colors do not belong in the blues: 
a. violet
b. beige 
c. mauve

9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall; the lighting is wrong.

10. Good places for the Blues: 
a. the highway 
b. on a freight train
c. the empty bed
d. death row - for shooting a man in Memphis

Bad places:
a. Meditation sessions
b. fly fishing
c. Gallery openings
d. weekend in the Hamptons

11. Do you have the right to sing the blues?

Yes, if:
a. your first name is a southern state--like Georgia
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied.

No, if:
a. you have bad complexion.
b. you forgot your PIN number 
c. you have a trust fund.
d. you have a sinus blockage

12. Neither Julio Inglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.

13. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.
Other blues beverages are: 
a. wine
b. whiskey
c. muddy water

Blues beverages are NOT:
a. Any mixed drink 
b. Any wine kosher for Passover 
c. Snapple (all flavors) 
d. Little bottles of spring water from the 7-11

14. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death.
Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die.
So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment.

15. Some Blues names for Women 
a. Sadie
b. Sippy
c. Big Mama
d. Bessie

16. Some Blues Names for Men
a. Joe 
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Lightning

Persons with names like Tiffany, Lawrence or Moonunit will not be permitted
to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

17. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit...Mix and Match)
a. Name of Physical appearance (Blind, Fat, Slim)
b. First name (see above) & name of fruit (Lemon) or city: Biloxi, Memphis etc.
c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Jackson, etc.)